For who ? For ourselves. Did we do something, some ritual that affirmed our faith today ? In what ? In ourselves. Our ability to connect with our inner selves. For if we do not, who is this person that is working, loving, talking etc. It’s certainly not you.
It’s an everyday search for me. For that something that can put me in touch with myself. My connection to consciousness. My connection to loving nature.
Of course many people have faith. Which is a wonderful ability. I don’t have blind faith. I am more of a searcher. Questioner. Good, bad ? I don’t know. No value judgements on any faith or the question of faith. Or on myself.
Some people do it with meditation first thing in the morning. I have never been able to do that. I have to connect to something, however small, however little, to loose my sense of individuality. That’s the daily struggle. Against my own exaggarated sense of myself. I am so used to it. I have relied on it for so many years. So tough to let go now. Not that I have never questioned it before. But now, it is really important for me to be truly ‘active’ rather than ‘reactive’, which is what I have done most of my life. And how do I know what that ‘true’ action is ? Unless I am constantly in touch with something larger, more immense, more universal than myself ?
Yes I know. By letting go. By allowing yourself not to be addicted to the result of your action. By allowing chaos to invade your life. Yes, I agree. All of that. I do allow chaos to prevade in my life. I am impeteous (spelling). But then the individual in me fights back hard.
It’s an everyday battle. This battle to let go of one’s addiction to one’s sense of individuality.
Yet, the smallest of things can provoke the sensing of my flowing into something much much larger. Something infinite.
This morning it was my 5 year old daughter waking me up with a loud ‘Peekaboo’ and the tinkling of an early morning laugh.
Sometimes it;s just getting up early enough to watch the first shades of dark blue brush across the sky. Something deeply stirring about that.
Sometimes it’s unexpected gestures of affection that were not sought. Or given so instinctually that you were not aware of them.
Sometimes, it’s writing a poem. But only if the words are coming from somewhere else. As if something is flowing through you, a river of emotion you can physically feel that flows through your being.
But it is always so unexpected. So much that I am constantly aware now. My senses hightened. Waiting for that unexpected moment.
When something deeper will reach out and engulf me, and give my life, and all my actions, however small, a deeper and all encompassing context. On a daily basis.
So say a prayer for me. And for yourself.
Shekhar
July 12, 2017
Amma
saw her last night
felt her
heard her
smelt her
tasted the sound of her voice as she whispered into my ears
we hugged
…
to be and not to be
perhaps it is
the answer
there is something about this
experience of energy
we call “love”
no question
can be
answered
by it
it just
is
Love ((( Aaravinda Raphael Dev ))) Love
…to creativity artists sound silence whatever this thing is that we experience as the movement of energy…
aum
been having difficulty with remembering for the past few years, but moreso in the last year, it just accelerated. how much? i was at an event yesterday and the artist, David Rudder, was going to perform. for the life of me, i could not remember where he is from, what he sang, or even what style of music he played. as he walked out on the stage of a packed standing room only venue, and sang the first bar, my jaw dropped! it was then i realized, and the flash backs flooded my being, song after song, as i stood at times, helplessly, dancing and singing, as if it was 30 years ago!!!
it’s like the music remembered me in the notes and the rhythms…i don’t know how else to describe it, but it felt like i was floating in joy and bliss….
oh music, my long time love,
thank you for never leaving me!!!
grateful and blown away by you,
a love so true,
cinda
everything considered connected in some way…
how can it be otherwise?
“self” how to “be” there?
when so many directions, roadmaps, orders, influences,
manipulations, teachings, have steered away from
“self”
maybe it’s elf, and somehow the s got put at the front instead of the end?
hmm
Jai Ganesha…Hari Hari aum
cool breeze . . . if you close your eyes…sounds like
waves on the shore
does the breeze carry the sounds of the ocean?
…no
…yes, it is
…what if this not so
…who can tell why what when
…maybe
Princess Diana, 20 years ago…
left a trail into eternity
aum shanti aum
it’s cold
its relative
its no longer cold
life seems like a series of questions
because the answers are ever changing
and
if you ask the same question
sometimes moment later,
the answer can be different
so, perhaps life is questionable?
something really weird and strange is going on…
can you feel it?
it like the calm before the storm before the calm
good blessings to all of us
aum
dear self,
some where in there i see an “elf”
where does the “s” go when the elf remains still?
and does the elf feel lost until the “s” returns
to become “self” again?
hmmm
Had a thought to share,
feels like people with a “mental illness” would be more likely to admit to having a challenge that warrants help, if it was called , “Specific Brain Function Challenge (SBFC)”.
I find, “mental illness” sounds like the person is less valuable and is somewhat “crazy”, but in actual fact, it is a brain function that has become less manageable, or even damaged to some extent.
it might pave a road for others to find their voice and speak up, i can say i understand this now, because it is tremendously difficult to admit, to myself and also to say it to others.
There’s a place where I go to dance, just started, I call it Zion,
but that’s not the name. Anyway, what’s allowed is free expression
of movement, no touching anyone, no talking, no cell phones on the dance floor,
no alcohol and no recreational drugs, no shoes. I sweat more than
being in a sauna, feel lighter by the time I leave.
If you saw the Matrix movie 3, there’s a scene where the folks in Zion were
dancing and celebrating in this huge cave like place underground,
while Neo and Trinity were making love in another room. Well, on Friday when I was
at this dance place, it reminded me of that kind of ecstatic freeness, while dancing.
The DJ’s play pretty ambient groovy music, and this one DJ played “Long Train Runnin”, by the Doobie Brothers…
I just burst loose, and danced like there was no tomorrow, and sang at the top of my lungs!
The moment stayed with me, that it came home with me and the song has been playing over and over
in my head. I decided to research the Doobie Brothers, and it turns out, their bass player,
Walter Becker, died this month, cause not announced.
How CRAZY is that?
more crazy? the person who told me about this dance place years ago,
is a bass guitarist!
Looked up the lyrics in the song, wasn’t sure what I was singing…hehe
“Without love, where would you be right now?”…
once in a blue moon…you glance this way
when i can’t wait for next time, it feels irritating
when i can wait, it feels like some sort of faith is deepening
what do i know?
nothing
ok, but wait, if i say i know nothing, then knowing nothing
is knowing something…
yikes, i sound like …
oh never mind,
ok, never mind never minding
because to never mind might mean
you never had a mind to begin with,
and me too
oh dear, this circle of no answer
is getting me dizzy in a pizzy
aum
being at the bottom of the barrel has
value
there is not a time when i am doing nothing
nothing is something
Gandhi in my experience…
i saw the movie, probably more than 30 times,
could run off the dialogue quite easily,
but ask me if i embodied the essence
of the lessons spewed across the screen?
umm, most likely not. why?
i could not say, but i do play over and over in my head,
from time to time,
since the movie came out…certain scenes,
like when the saly march was on, and they were being attacked
by British soldiers, one of the salt sellers was about to hit back
and Gandhi reminded him, “no violence”, and the salt seller immediately pulled back.
on the train, the conversation leading up to…
therefore, we can deduce there is one coloured attorney
in South Africa…
when they were burning the passes, and Gandhi kept on
putting the passes in the fire, even though the British police
officer was beating him with the baton, he kept on
putting them…it was the moment when the camera
caught the expression on the police’s face,
that puzzled and wonderment of a look, that said to me,
in that moment, he felt some kind of conscious shift, perhaps
when Gandhi sat on the wall down by the sea, and had the
revelation of doing the salt march
when he took the tray with tea from the servant, and served the tea
himself, to show the non distinction between treating people
as human beings and not separate because of their caste or work
the whole scene about his wife cleaning the toilet, like
everyone else…even down to the moment she says,
I’ll tell Tara…but just the way she said it, he knew
he had to go talk with her privately
even the moment she said…and i shall rake and cover the latreen (sp)
the moment when his wife was dying, and he was about to leave the room, and her grasp
held him, he knew, and he stayed…until she was gone
he said to a man, i know a way out of hell…find a child who lost his parents and raise him as your own,
only make sure he’s a Muslim…
the moment when he fasted for days and days…and as people from all sides surrendered and
started praying for his health, when he asked for some orange juice
the moment when he said bye to Charlie
and more and more and more…
ODE to the music…Oh such deep beauty!
Gord Downie…
aum
Love and prayers to the moderator of this site..aum
…a mad mind could go even madder than the mind
and into the bliss of insanity
is it that the corners of darkness and the corners of light
are one and the same?
when i lit the diyas this year, alone, for the first time alone, in decades,
i watched the light and then lowered my gaze
to see at the bottom of the light was black darkness
what would that light be without the darkness?
there’d be no light
how is it that we have conditioned our minds to feel
that somehow light is better than dark, white is better than black?
without the dark there is no light, just an observation…but is this true?
…and yes, words do hurt, especially when they come from a place
where we are attached, whether it?s a loved one, or loved thing
…and i haven?t been able to watch Bandit Queen, because
the subject of rape still makes me feel very uncomfortable, to the point where
my body has reactions like burning and pressure sensations, sometimes swelling,
nervousness, breathing interruptions, ill at ease, agitated…etc. scared.
so, while a lot of people comment on how great a movie it is, i have stayed away from watching it.
heard a question today…
what’s on the other side of darkness?
darkness has a side? is my question to that question
Congratulations Shekhar on HS at MIT!
The world will benefit from this, I feel.
if some things go your way and some things
go another way
how do we define which way is the way
we think they are actually going?
they seem to both be “a way”
and
before we realize it…away it goes
dance
to
the
rhythm
of
your
heart
beat
Wahe Guruji
Sat Nam
aum
ode to the kirtan of love, peace, kindness, gratitude, and our global family, of light dark and everything else in existence … we are that we are
sorry
when we say sorry, we mean what?
wish i didn’t do it?
wish it didn’t happen?
won’t let that happen again?
can you forgive me?
please accept my not feeling good about this?
etc etc…
i guess we could say that about any word, really
where am i to look
when the means of you was just an illusion in my mind
am i lost even before i realized i was?
how can it be ?
how is it i see you in the silhouettes of others
as i walk along the sidewalks?
does the illusion continue on
to no avail?
there was not a you
but perhaps a thought
maybe that is where you can be found
in a
thought
…so what is true love?
as a matter of questions,
what is love?
can anything have one sole reason
for it’s “that’s why” it is the way it is?
it is possible for something to be
narrowed down to one reason only?
there will always be a lingering invisible question that
awaits
after every answer…
which points in the direction of
more questions than answers there are?
for me, one of the most useful aspects when sharing with
someone else is having the ability to listen more and speak less,
and perhaps if both people think that way, there might be more
understanding?
my psychotherapist has taught me effective listening skills,
by effectively listening to me. the first person to really listen to
my expression of how I feel, through tears, words, body movements,
silence, pain, hurt, smiles, without imposing opinions or judgments,
but rather, just allowing me to be myself in a space that felt
safe for me to do so.
it is with this kind of support, i feel i am able to deal with some
experiences from my past in a way that can now afford me the opportunity
to recognise certain habits and conditioning which led to regrettable
decisions.
i may not be great at anything, but the things i’ve learned about myself in the
past year? i would not trade for any job.
when a man can have such power and control over others,
in a way that still lingers more than a decade after he has died,
it is an indication that the effects of manipulation and level of narcissist behaviours
got ingrained far deeper than a person can imagine.
and when that person is the first man you have loved, from the time you were born,
and you regarded him as “God and your hero”, and he is your father,
then the complexity of sorting out details of a raped mind, needs
to be done with someone who is skilled and compassionate
and can help you to begin to breathe again, but this time
in a way that feels safe and healing.
Why should I seek? I am the same as
He. His essence speaks through me.
I have been looking for myself!
– Rumi
do trees just fall away and die if they don’t change with the seasons?
or
do they transform into something other than a tree, and still
be a part of the “change” but rather in another form?
blank…
is there such a thing?
blankness in a page is still
blank,
it doesn’t mean there is nothing
and
if it did , then nothing
is still
something
how can there ever be nothing?
words are like a species in itself
they mix and match to express
some eat, some drink, some sex, some
die, some live…you get my point..
and some stand alone,
like
alone, happy, sad, stupid etc.
and of all the english letters there is one that
can stand by itself and point somewhere to someone
I
not even
om can do this by itself
but
i
can
the dilemma about earth ppl going to Mars, there’s so much radiation there, even as close as the space station, but yet we are striving to go there. maybe our species will mutate to adapt?
perhaps, that’s what evolving does?
just seems so pointless, when we have so many challenges here on earth!
one could say, mars is like an expensive cemetery?
if the most pure sound is little children’s laughter.
what about their crying?
what of the first sound that comes through us?
to dance in darkness
and no one sees
to spin out of control
and fall to the glass floor
that shatters on impact
all the pieces stabbing through
every thought of worthiness peace belonging courage deserving loved needed cared
what of this dance . . . alone
that brushes upon the thought of death
as if to say
it would make life easier for everyone
had the dance turned to cold stillness
and there were no more steps to be heard
is love not love and just as valuable
if
a person falls in love with a pigeon?
why ridicule it and call the person insane for having done so?
are people insane for loving their dogs, cats, pets etc. ?
what’s the difference if it’s a pigeon?
May The Force Be With You
hmmm
was wondering about this
Force, prana, life energy, chi etc., as intended in Star Wars.
but the word “force” itself,
push and pull of something,
make someone do something against their will,
coercion or compulsion, especially with the use or threat of violence.
The literal meaning can be quite disturbing, especially for those who are or were
in abusive and/or intrusive situations where they were forced to do something.
Quite often, an intention can later turn up to have the opposite affect/effect,
than originally intended.
That saying, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?
Not so, words can hurt, and just because the injury and wounds are not visible to the
eyes (like a broken arm) does not mean it is not there.
Harder to deal with invisible injuries, at times, because we are so conditioned to
value the physical over the psychological/mental/emotional part of us, we overlook
what might take much longer to heal, in many cases.
first person to convince me i am stupid, useless, problematic, unwanted, worthless, owned, dumb, incapable, was my father, hard to say but when a father does that to his child, the child who looked up to him like he was Gandhi, Buddha, Jesus, Krishna, it becomes the most confusing messed up rape of the mind, when that same child grows up and then realizes, at 54, what had happened, and was blinded all the years of her life, feeling like she lived a lie all her life. apparently, as children, it is some sort of protective mechanism that the brain does to override the experience so the child can survive the trauma.
The “force” was with me, as many experiences were forced on me, and it’s perhaps different to the words in the Star Wars series, but it crossed my thoughts lately.
honour and courage can easily be mistaken for
FEAR for one’s own life
and doing
what is expected and forced,
just to stay alive
who would say to someone who is being raped/abused,
that they have honour and courage, because they can’t
fight off or stop the person who is committing that crime?
Would a father say to his daughter “you have honour and courage”
for staying in an abusive relationship, or would the father
recognize that his daughter is living in fear, and it is the fear that keeps her
in that situation?
in abusive situations, some children figure out what to do, despite what their parents did
the worse thing you can do to your child (ren) is abuse them,
as with anything else, the parent sets the bar for what is
appropriate or not, and the example to the child (ren)
is what gives them the meanings of things, like love,
care, problem solving, attitudes and behaviours towards others
etc.
as with over praising…that is what the child will look for,
until they figure out what it is doing to them.
perhaps, three of the best things a parent can help a child to develop
is awareness, nurture their instincts, and to provide confidence empowering experiences
to speak up when something doesn’t feel right.
my mama’s name means Zen
aum
tears