Archive for the ‘The search for the self’ Category

And the sage said to me :

that there is no one definition
of anything –
that it is only the ego
that desires to define
that most pain is caused
by the need to define something,
which, like a whiff of a mist
when u try and catch it,
that as long as we cannot accept the unknown,
the uncertain,
the indefinable,
the infinite,
the duality
life will be a series
of unfulfilled desires
” My conversations with Death”

The Universe has no answers, just questions

“For every body that walks into this blogs for an answer just leaves with 10 other questions.Will you ever walk in search of yourself on the Himalayas..or you just wrote it because it makes sense ?”
Thank you Gaurav for the most searing question.
The Universe is an infinite question. To me, to spiritualists, to scientists, to artists, to philosophers, to you and all of us that come to our blog. In fact to anyone that is honest and in search of the truth. Each single answer is a false truth unless it raises many many more questions. In the yearning for answers lies the quest for spirituality and truth, not in the finding of answers.
Unfortunately my mind, my Ego, looks for definiteness. It tries to define everything by confining everything. It cannot accept that a million truths can exist in complete contradiction of each other. There is no one true God. There is no one great truth. The Divine is a sum of all imagination, of all perception and of all eternity.
Till we stop looking for finite answers to explain the infinite, the only truth is the quest for truth. There is no finite answer, just as there is no one question. The yearning is to finally merge with infinite without questioning, without analysis. Meanwhile I battle my ego to stop it from settling into a finite ‘code’ of perception. That battle is expressed and shared in this blog.
And will I ever go to the Himalaya’s in search of that merging ? Am I not ‘traveling’ the Himalaya’s as we speak ? Or am I just fooling myself, and driving everyone else into some kind of intellectual escape from reality. Don’t think that I do not ask myself these questions every day, all the time. Not allowing my mind even to settle and find solace in this argument. The Ego is clever. It will seduce me by intellectualism too.
A question, Gaurav. Just keep questioning. Refusing to settle for answers, any one answer.

Spiritul search a luxury of the rich ?

Seema said ” You have it all hence have the luxury of search for self and soul. Its sad that even discovery to self is a usually a pursuit of the rich and famous because after they have it all they realize that there is still a feeling of emptiness that no amount of money can fill. Whereas, a common man is too busy making both ends meet to indulge in soul searching.”
You are right Seema, when you say ” the rich and the famous …… feel an emptiness that no amount of money can fill”. No one can disagree with that.
But faith too is a means of discovery of the self, as are prayer, ritual and pilgrimages. All are yearnings to find that part of you that is not wedded to the material. One that can transcend life and death. and all those yearnings are certainly not a preserve of the rich and famous. But I also agree, if you are idle, then your search can become an indulgence.
I have been grappling with these issues since I was 10, and perhaps before. I never saw Mathematics as I was taught it, but as a play of numbers where the answers would have to come before the problem. I always failed ! I could never comprehend Physics in a world that could not explain the concept of ‘forever’ and ‘infinity’ to me. I am still doing that, through faliure and success, through constant ups and downs of wealth and relative poverty. This search has been a constant.
Your question has got me thinking. Is this blog an indulgence – an idle indulgence ? Some of my friends think so too – but to me, if I could not afford a computer, I would search out people that have the same questions and talk to them. Through this blog I can reach out to many at the same time, and see what everyone else says.
I dream of day when I can just walk way into the Himlayas and forever wander looking for those reclusive spirits that have spent a lifetime searching for their selves. I guess that is an indulgence, but would that yearning not exist in what you call a ‘common man’ ? Do ‘common people’ as you call them, not go in search, even to the local temple ?

Pebbles in a pool of stillness

Deepak R wrote the following piece, and does anyone have answers ?
“Shekhar, you started your blog’site’ with something so simple and smelling fresh:
‘I exist because you imagine I do’.
Where did that come from ? One could have pretty much stopped with at that. And it would not matter.
However words keep appearing on the windscreen of your experience. There is a need to put them out for the imagined outer world. A need to bounce them off. To see how they would bounce back. To constantly throw pebbles into the pool of stillness and watch the ripples. People coming here are keen to throw a few of their pebbles in as well. There are some that observe and comment on the ripples and some who see the stillness against which they appear.
Why this need?. It seems, after all, the people have the need to sustain the imagination that ‘you exist’, is it not Shekhar. This intimate and torrid love affair with ideas, words on the blog,in the mind, can it end, no denying it is most enjoyable!! But to whom? Who is hell bent on stamping his existence through these imprints ? Who is he reporting the success or failure of his effort to ?”

Harmony and disharmony

For those that define Harmony as the natural state of existence, or a state that we should aspire to, I have a question. :
Does the Universe not exist in constant battle between contradictory forces of Harmony and Disharmony ? Like the sunspots of the Sun, the Universe too tends to explode out of itself and then is pulled back by a contradictory force ?
Would the Universe and everything that existed in it not be completely dead and non creative if there was a continuous stable non moving state of Harmony ? And the same would go for us, in any form you may decide to see ourselves. Our consciousness, our soul, or our ‘five senses self’. The one law of creativity, of existence, of consciousness, of life itself, all that exists, or potentially exists, does so between extreme contradictions.
After all, Good can only be described in the context of Evil and vice versa. So what is that state that is one of complete acceptance (oops – here we go again in that word) which is neither good nor evil, nor moral or immoral, nor active or inactive, that is neither violent nor non- violent ? That has form but no recognizable form ? A state that defies all adjectives, nouns or verbs we can think of , a state that exists without context with anything else, that is complete within it self yet completely infinite and incomplete ?
For those that claim to have found that state which is often described as ‘nirvana (Hinduism) , or ‘shunyata’ (Buddhism) , or the eternal life (Islam and Christianity), I assume have encompassed the forces of contradiction and disharmony within themselves, battling neither, so experience themselves as the Universe and Eternity themselves. They are neither one nor the other, but part of a stillness that allows the battle to rage within. Knowing it to be an eternal battle, but able to smile upon it.
For me, I am still part of the battle, but learning that being buffeted by contradiction and giving into the contradictory forces is just the first step – the step that gives into the unknown without resistance. Or atleast active resistance, for the mind and the ego still rebels. The first step is to accept Chaos as the natural order of things, before reaching and yearning for that which is called ‘enlightenment’ or inner stillness, or whatever word and religion or philosophy chooses to use.
So forgive me if I question those that seem to emphatically KNOW. I don’t. I yearn to experience, and wonder at people that say they know. Is it mere knowledge ? Or is it experience ? Is it intellectual or is it emotional ? The only people I meet that seem to be completely comfortable with contradiction (or duality as it is commonly called) are children , who have not yet been taught to separate completely that which is imagined and that which sensed.
I see everything I write here as huge question mark. A search and questioning, and sharing that yearning with others.

making life simple

‘P’ asked “Shekhar, why do make life so complex. Why don’t you just “be”. Acceptance is beautiful once you truly understand it…keep living in the moment….”
Your statement ” Acceptance is truly beautiful if you understand it” is so beautifully stated. It is what I am trying to do. Understand what acceptance means and strive towards it. Acceptance cannot just mean cowardice or inaction. Acceptance must lead to purity of action. Where action is separated from the result of that action. And how do I separate myself from the result of my action ?
That was what I was trying to come to terms with in my last post. That what we call ‘result’ of our actions is often independent of our action. It has an individuality of it’s own. It has it’s own life and often the relationship is the other way round. We are caught up in the Karma of the event (the result s we call it), and assume ourselves as one of the cause.
In fact the Universe in it’s true nature has no place for words like ’cause’ and “result’. The result and the cause are intertwined in an eternal bond, which is part of a universal matrix of the play of the universe.
So what does “Acceptance is beautiful when you truly understand it” mean unless you experience the the idea that time has a linear value only if you desire it. Or your Ego does, for it needs to see a distance between cause and result. The Ego needs to contextualize it’s actions by the result (or imagined result) of it’s action to know that it exists..
Yet this duality was what Buddha meditated over – trying to come to vision of Shunyata, of a vast emptying of the mind off our Ego and experiencing ourselves as in Unity with existence, where time and space have only imagined existences.
Yes, you are right ‘P’, ‘Acceptance is beautiful when you truly understand it’ ….. but I have a long way to go before I can truly get there. The journey began as a little boy reaching out to the idea of forever, and still goes on. You sound like you are much further ahead than I am, so I would love for you to share your experiences with our community,

Does the event create the cause ?

Does an event create a disharmony, a ripple that provokes us into action so that we become part of the creation of it ? Mistakingly assuming we created the event ? Are we slaves to the event while we think of ourselves as creators of the ‘it’ ?
Nor are we separate from the event. The event and us, inseparable part of the same play being imagined by the Universe in all eternity. The event itself part of a ripple caused by another. And so on, but circling right back, the ripples being the eternal cause and effect of each other. Enclosed in nothing but timelessness.
Part of discussions that came up as I opened my installation at the Swarovski museum in Austria

Were Einstiens’ equations in his brain or outside ?

“The most beautiful and most profound experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. To know that what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their primitive forms – this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness. ( Albert Einstein – The Merging of Spirit and Science) — ”
Thank you manav, for sharing this. It’s beautifully put by a person who’s brain is under constant study by scientists all over the world. But maybe Einstein accessed his equations from a source much higher then his own individuality, his own brain ? Is creativity the ability to access a source of universal consciousness ?

To see or to sense ?

Do we sense things beyond the world we construct from our ‘five senses’ ? I am sure we do, and there is enough scientific data to prove that. But does our reliance on our ‘five senses’ hinder our ability to truly sense things. Are the yogi’s right when they say that we should shut out the world to truly ‘see’ the world.
All of us have had such experiences, and most of us deny ourselves those experiences. By calling it a play of imagination. But in my experience, these moments have been of extreme simplicity and clarity. The sensing is of the unity of all things beyond analysis and understanding, in the realm of experiencing. These are meditative moments that force you into the clarity of ‘now’. Not always in meditation – but events that can lead to that which meditation is hoping to achieve.
In one such moment I actually decide to write at random, without imposing my intellect upon the writing, even without imposing my imagination. Just write. And I wrote something I have shared before :
I search for that which I see
and when the searching stops
the seeing begins

Dreams come true ?

dreams are just dreams,
benign creatures
that give you wonderful feelings of warmth
in times when you need to cradle yourself to sleep
till they become passions and obsessions,
and develop an identity of their own,
no longer in your control
are you willing to watch your dreams
grow into demons that do not belong to you ?
a passion and obsession that takes charge of you ?
wrings out your soul
and leaves you breathless, almost lifeless
when it is done with you ?
beware of your dreams,
those subtle, benign thoughts
that saw you through hours of boredom
and took you through wonderful journeys
when your maths professor droned on
about numbers that made no emotional sense