Yesterday was the first day of the shoot.
And on paper it says
I have shot for three weeks

Which is true time ?
my emotional time
or the percieved one ?
Has the world changed in the meanwhile ?
Am I like an intergalactic traveller that came back to earth
and found that time had fast forwarded ?
Am I getting confused because I have a day off ?
and don’t know what to do ?
What have I shot ? Have I shot ?
Was I in control ?
Absolutely not.
Yet somehow inexorably, the film is being made.
for three weeks, apparently !
I can feel waves of admiration
followed by tidal waves of doubt
all perception of others
of my performance
on the day
my performance ?
mine ?
wish i could feel the pleasure of praise
and anger against doubt
I feel neither
just a crutch that I am holding on to
so that I do not fall off
this strange perch
on which I am so precariously balanced
on the crows nest
on top of the huge mast
of an ancient ship
that is heaving in a huge storm
I lie
every day i try and let people know
that I know
knowing I don’t
shekhar