Letter from Tblisi, Georgia

Anna is still in Tblisi and is yet uncertain about her future and if the war has really ended. She has sent another letter, exploring herself as the people of Tblisi still sit on the edge.
I remember that day very well. I was the happiest person. It was cold, winter day and I was walking in the park with my dad. I don’t remember exactly how old I was, but possibly I was 6 or 7. The place around was all white like a vanilla cream. It was so beautiful; the trees, bushes, benches, statues, all covered in snow. We played snowball fight, made a big, funny-looking snowman and then we found some piece of a broken sledge and I tobogganed that day a lot. I remember how many times I fell and rolled on the snowy ground. I was wearing many clothes and could hardly move. I remember that my dad and I laughed our heads off. And I remember that heat, which I felt on my reddened cheeks due to the frost.
But then everything changed. The world was not as colorful as it used to be. Rainbow colors got overshadowed with grey and black. Those were carefree days, but then…I felt completely different. I don’t know how it all started. What happened? and when it happened? Once, I was standing in front of a mirror and I felt something weird. I touched my face and my reflection in the mirror did the same. All of a sudden, I felt like a stranger. At that tiny moment I could not recognize myself. Strange, vague thoughts and questions invaded my mind. Who am I? or what am I? And why am I? ……

Day after day, I was not as happy as I used to be, because I thought a lot, too much, I guess. I thought about life, about the world, about everything. And I parted from everybody. I parted from my family…my friends… Because it got kind of hard for me to trust people. You want to know why? How can I tell you, when I don’t know it either. I just found out lots of things about people; I found out more and more history facts; I found out lots of events. And I found out how cruel and violent can a human being be. And I got scared. I got scared about the thing, which a person can do. I found out that this world is a battle, that we have huge egos, fight for survival and I understood how predatory we can be.
Also I parted because I felt I was different. I felt something that they did not. I thought something that they did not. They could not understand me. I used to talk endlessly with my friends, but they could not get it. This was the first time I felt loneliness. This was not a loneliness because of the lack of friends, who share same interests or because of the lack of relationship with family members. No. Don’t think like that. I have lots of friends, and I am very close to my family. There are lots of people around me! But yet again I am alone. To put it simply, my soul is alone.
Probably you can’t understand what I mean. Once, I heard a saying: “I never say what I mean and I never mean what I say.” Now I would like to tell you that. I never make myself clear, because it’s hard for me to express my feelings and emotions properly. I am often confused and perplexed.
I am happy. Really, I am. I am afraid to be a depressive type of person. I am afraid to look sad, when others see me. I want to always send out the rays of joy and happiness. And I am doing this. I laugh a lot, joke a lot. And I am not doing this because of the fear of others, witnessing me sad. I am doing this, because I am really happy. I am so grateful that I have a family; that I have life; and that I am me. I am happy with everything. I don’t like to complain or be sad. No way. I will never do that. I hate complaining.
I just feel lonely. Feeling lonely isn’t being sad, right? I cry a lot, but I am not depressed. I talk with animals, because they are the ones who are great listeners. But then? What happens next? Animals don’t tell me something….anything…nothing…. the next is – nothing. They don’t calm me, nor give me an advice. They are just listeners and yet again I am alone.
You know how much I want to feel, like I did when I was 6 or 7, playing in the park with my dad? I know that it’s impossible. Because it was past. I will never be 6 or 7 again and life will never look free from worries and troubles, like it was during that time. And it makes me feel weird…sad? No! I am not sad. I am happy… I am always happy.
Alright. Let’s make it brief. What am I trying to say with this article? I have no idea. Maybe I want to tell you how I feel. It’s always easier to write than to speak. Maybe I still believe that somebody might understand me. I am optimistic and I am happy to announce that. That’s why I hope that I am not the one that suffers from the “loneliness disease” and hope that the emptiness will be filled sometime…someday…in the foreseeable future. đŸ™‚

13 Responses to “Letter from Tblisi, Georgia”

  1. Mieke says:

    Dear Anna,
    I am a woman in her sixties and I do understand you so well, because I have experienced the same at a certain stage in life.
    Basically it all has to do with several stages in life a woman goes through, it has to do with her hormones, it has to do with her self image and lots of feelings and emotions surrounding her that prevent her from staying in her own centre.
    By writing down what you have done above, you started yourself to go on a journey, a journey we all undertake in our life to explore our own inner being.
    And now you like to share with others that are on that same journey, some at your own level, some already more further ahead.
    Well, there is a nice Website, called Intentblog, setup by Deepak Chopra and his family. And also Shekhar has been involved in the beginning.
    At this moment we have several very interesting discussions going on that might interest you.
    There are many voices there, female and male. It might be a great place for you to learn.
    I have been present there for 3 years now and for me it has been a great learning school and made me discover the “heart phone”. The phone that connects you to yourself on both ends of the line :).
    I am posting there regularly under the nickname of heartphone.
    Well I would suggest you have a look there and if it is not exactly what you are looking for, there is another site that is even more personal, called Intent.com.
    Hereunder the two webaddresses:
    Good luck on your journey, which I would call the “labyrinth of life”, the Hero’s or Heroïne’s journey.
    I have my own website about a.o. the labyrinth, both in the Dutch (Holland, my home country) and in the English language. English language to the right of the side with buttons to take you to the several subjects:
    Mieke van der Poll

  2. Ritu Chandra says:

    I do understand you, this loneliness despite having a lifeful of people around you, loneliness because you think and react differently from the people around. The inability to communicate the core of your self through speech. It is always easier to write than to say some things.
    I guess it happens to everyone at an individual level to some degree. At the end of the day however social you might be, your core is only yours, there will always be a part of you that you will not be able to share with anyone. I think humans have been made that way. Some people understand it an others don’t, but that’s how we are…

  3. Horst Vollmann says:

    Dear Shekhar:
    There is a wondrously beautiful flower blooming in Tbilisi and its name is Anna but no one there is tending to her growth or may even see her. No one reads her startling prose or can understand that existential loneliness she is trapped in. The people who live in her environment cannot fathom the depth of her thoughts or even comprehend that there are thought processes at work that move well outside their own parameters of emotions, aspirations and dreams. There is a raw, unpolished power to her writing that makes it so poignant, so immediate, so direct and genuine.
    Her letter to you and her exposure on your blog may be a first step out of the shadow of this anonymity she fears and at the same time craves. The tears she is crying must be tears of confusion and frustration of not being able to communicate in the language of her soul. How can one point the way for her when one’s own road is swathed in the haze of existential uncertainty. Maybe your maxim “neither prejudiced by the past, nor in fear of the future, the moment, only the moment,” could be one of the directional hints for the course she needs to travel.
    Living in a country that is tasting the insanity of war makes her existence even more insular, more outside the mainstream of thought processes. The depth of human cruelty is something so alien, so utterly incomprehensible that the vulnerable among us are left with no place to go but to retreat to the sanctuary of their own, inner world to find protection and solace.
    Shekhar, I think Anna is a very gifted writer and her voice will some day be heard, you have given her a platform from which she can climb as high as she dares. My positive thoughts are flying to Tbilisi.
    With kind regards.

  4. AJ says:

    Your soul touched the spots which are difficult for many. The other is other and hard to understand the experience, expression … Grow with your feelings and you shall find YOURSELF.
    Let Life, Existence Bless You

  5. AS says:

    Is there a reason why we get so thoughtful and emotional when we are in war situation ? Or is this a realisation we carry with us each day and we need a reason to pour ourselves when the situation gets out of our hand ?
    I think when there is a crack in our ability to hold anymore …we feel nice letting it out a bit.
    Nice sharing your feelings Anna, I live in Baku Azerbaijan and am more than aware of this ongoing situation in Georgia.I pray and wish that life gets back to normal soon.

  6. Himanshu says:

    Dear Anna,
    You wrote something that I can totally relate to and I can honestly tell you that anyone who has tried to do anything significant in this world or venture into a new direction will always get this feeling of “loneliness” or in a better way they will need this solitude to stay focused and concentrate on what he/she wants.
    There is this saying ” Fame always causes loneliness, true success is as cold and lonely as the north pole” so if you feel that and if you are happy in that condition of aloneness then take it from me that you are on the right path. A lot of people can’t handle that and they’ll crack and go back to be a part of the crowd, so stick with what you believe in and enjoy this phase – the solitude you have may seem difficult at times but it also gives you the necessary freedom to do things. I was in Edmonton a few years back working on a lonely creative task and I didn’t allow a single person to enter my apartment for 7 months and I didn’t mind being alone.
    Also, as Napoleon Hill says that whenever anyone of us tries to do anything different the first discouragers are friends and family close to us as they are far more risk averse than we are, so it best not to worry about that. Infact honest criticism should always be welcome as it makes us even more focused and determined.
    This quote from Nepoleon Hill is really valuable:
    “Remember that the ‘Kite’ of success generally rises AGAINST the wind of Adversity – not with it!” Napoleon Hill.
    And the tears, they are nothing but joy, the price to pay for you impending achievements, the small pain that you have to bear make you own path – I have always found some unique joy in tears only if I could explain that.
    So my dear friend you are doing just great, developing the qualities for future success, becoming stronger by the day. I hope it makes you feel better and have a wonderful day as you are totally on the right path.
    Best Regards,

  7. Izaq singh says:

    Don’t consider loneliness as disease, may be it’s because of this ur writing and expressing urself so good. There r so many people in ur country who would be needing ur help, ur hug, ur warmth and ur smile at this hour. Try to help them, hug them, share ur warmth and ur smile of course, u won’t feel lonely anymore.
    If i’am silent, let me be,
    Don’t let anyone, anything, nothing disturb me,
    I’ve made loneliness my accomplice,
    And has buried all the flames under cold and frozen ashes.
    (We all want and wish peace in ur country and in this world. PEACE:)

  8. brahmastra says:

    So is life. After a while in this realm, there is curiosity to find your true Self. And a while after, there is a growing importance to do that. And a while after, there is an intense longing to do that. And a while after, it is needed like oxygen and one has to do it. Rest assured that the pain is a better friend than pleasure at this point. It’ll give you the necessary fuel, and all the external happenings are objectively irrelevant.
    Why? Nobody knows. How? Advaita or non-dual teachings.

  9. r says:

    this hidden talent for poignant expression has emerged under these very trying circumstances……? is’nt it amazing ?
    every cloud has a silver lining……! keep up the spirits anna……..!

  10. DQ says:

    I do hope you have shifted to a friends place…
    Take care, I take leave…leaving behind Darjeeling tea on the table for you and your family

  11. Isabel says:

    Dear Ann,
    ah ..
    The fundamental question:
    Who am I?
    reminding me of Victor Frankel …
    “In search of meaning” …
    A quest …
    led by powers greater than the self …
    as I was reminded many times over …
    through stories…
    weaved in the veins of humanity …
    seeking unity …
    in the tearings of universal dualities …
    we disguise…
    as faces of loneliness …
    who are we kidding???
    ah …
    exquisite Rumi…
    “ What is the mirror of being???
    Non Being. Always bring a mirror of non existence
    as a gift. Any other present is foolish.
    Let the poor man look deep into generosity.
    Let bread see a hungry man.
    Let kindling behold a spark from the flint.
    An empty mirror and your worst destructive habits
    when they are held up to each other,
    that’s when the real making begins,
    that what art and crafting are”
    Thank you for sharing …

  12. James Phelan says:

    Dear Anna,
    You have touched on a beautiful, honest place here in your writing and I love that it reads like a stream of consciousness and portrays a yearning for your days of innocence, or perhaps that youthful bliss of not being so aware and when things were simpler.
    I think that if we are open to it we all reach a time when we become awakened and then enlightened and for me, (us boys are a little slower to overcome our egos), it was just last year at age 28. I get the feeling that you are there now, and that these awful events are contriving to pushing you faster through this inner journey. It’s so hard for any of us to live an authentic feeling life at young age and especially hard for people such as yourself who are in the midst of such turmoil and stuck on the downside of advantage (in comparison to us in ‘the west’ – I’m in Australia).
    I have heard our friend Shekhar talk with great insight about ‘destiny’, and I wonder if he can sense or see something in your destiny to come out of all this. You are, Anna, already a special voice in the world and we do understand you as much as any outsider can: you are honest, brave, thoughtful, and you care enough about humanity to point to it’s degradation when our media and leaders lack such courage. Best wishes.

  13. Isabel says:

    Dear Anna,
    Somehow I felt the urge to watch the movie “Three colours of Blue” …
    I had forgotten the lines of the story …
    but remembered well the exquisite speechless tunes of pain that endures…
    As I watched yesterday, I felt the hit when the doctor approaches Juliet and tells her “I have bad news… your husband died …”
    to hear the request “Anna???”
    how syncronistic… I thought
    later, as the movie unfolded I suddenly remembered …
    oh .. that was the secret…
    the reason why I would dance to its tunes .. over and over and over …
    like a magnet breathing me…
    ah …
    the power of goodness …
    that just is …
    stripped from the ego …
    in miracles of possibilities …
    let me share a story…
    I went to a childrens home this morning – a legacy from Queen Victoria’s grand daugher…
    I had no idea…
    a place that has now become too small for the needs of growing orphaned children…
    yet there was something magical …
    the way many young women, many of a muslim background simply come and help as volunteers …
    For some reason I was asked by the manager to give my opinion about a 3 year old boy who looked so deeply depressed it was painful to look at …
    he came to the home with his baby brother – both with TB for which they have been treated …
    his mother came back which led to a regression of this little boy …for reasons no one seems to understand …
    the motther died with Aids and now the grandfather who looks very ill suddenly appeared …
    determined to claim both childten …
    I could see that the manager was distressed about it as the court hearing is this week …
    Do you have a medical report about the background of these 2 babies and their vulnerability to TB? I asked
    Do you have an assessment of the psychological state of this child?
    this is what I would do and would figth like a tiger … as in my assessement it would be criminal to let them go into a shack somewhere …
    I would make sure that these reports are in court when the hearing takes place this week .. it is the only chance you have got as I know how teh system works from past experiences …
    she looked startled as well as her assistant from Australia who is leaving at the end of the year …
    why did we not think of that??? we can do this …
    what I realised is how easy is to get burned out in dealing with such pressing needs of our vulnerable children ….
    and so I agreed to be a volunteer while pursuing the vision of something bigger…
    a vision pursuing me since I was a child ..
    I am not sure why I am sharing these experiences with you and yet I trust the connection …
    thank you and hping you are doing well…
    trusting that everything is for a reason guiding you to somethign bigger …
    oh …
    just heard in the news of a 11 year girl who protitutes herself to feed her baby brother after her parents died…
    as if to remind me of the depth of the children’s plea …

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