Anna is still in Tblisi and is yet uncertain about her future and if the war has really ended. She has sent another letter, exploring herself as the people of Tblisi still sit on the edge.
I remember that day very well. I was the happiest person. It was cold, winter day and I was walking in the park with my dad. I don’t remember exactly how old I was, but possibly I was 6 or 7. The place around was all white like a vanilla cream. It was so beautiful; the trees, bushes, benches, statues, all covered in snow. We played snowball fight, made a big, funny-looking snowman and then we found some piece of a broken sledge and I tobogganed that day a lot. I remember how many times I fell and rolled on the snowy ground. I was wearing many clothes and could hardly move. I remember that my dad and I laughed our heads off. And I remember that heat, which I felt on my reddened cheeks due to the frost.
But then everything changed. The world was not as colorful as it used to be. Rainbow colors got overshadowed with grey and black. Those were carefree days, but then…I felt completely different. I don’t know how it all started. What happened? and when it happened? Once, I was standing in front of a mirror and I felt something weird. I touched my face and my reflection in the mirror did the same. All of a sudden, I felt like a stranger. At that tiny moment I could not recognize myself. Strange, vague thoughts and questions invaded my mind. Who am I? or what am I? And why am I? ……
Day after day, I was not as happy as I used to be, because I thought a lot, too much, I guess. I thought about life, about the world, about everything. And I parted from everybody. I parted from my family…my friends… Because it got kind of hard for me to trust people. You want to know why? How can I tell you, when I don’t know it either. I just found out lots of things about people; I found out more and more history facts; I found out lots of events. And I found out how cruel and violent can a human being be. And I got scared. I got scared about the thing, which a person can do. I found out that this world is a battle, that we have huge egos, fight for survival and I understood how predatory we can be.
Also I parted because I felt I was different. I felt something that they did not. I thought something that they did not. They could not understand me. I used to talk endlessly with my friends, but they could not get it. This was the first time I felt loneliness. This was not a loneliness because of the lack of friends, who share same interests or because of the lack of relationship with family members. No. Don’t think like that. I have lots of friends, and I am very close to my family. There are lots of people around me! But yet again I am alone. To put it simply, my soul is alone.
Probably you can’t understand what I mean. Once, I heard a saying: “I never say what I mean and I never mean what I say.” Now I would like to tell you that. I never make myself clear, because it’s hard for me to express my feelings and emotions properly. I am often confused and perplexed.
I am happy. Really, I am. I am afraid to be a depressive type of person. I am afraid to look sad, when others see me. I want to always send out the rays of joy and happiness. And I am doing this. I laugh a lot, joke a lot. And I am not doing this because of the fear of others, witnessing me sad. I am doing this, because I am really happy. I am so grateful that I have a family; that I have life; and that I am me. I am happy with everything. I don’t like to complain or be sad. No way. I will never do that. I hate complaining.
I just feel lonely. Feeling lonely isn’t being sad, right? I cry a lot, but I am not depressed. I talk with animals, because they are the ones who are great listeners. But then? What happens next? Animals don’t tell me something….anything…nothing…. the next is – nothing. They don’t calm me, nor give me an advice. They are just listeners and yet again I am alone.
You know how much I want to feel, like I did when I was 6 or 7, playing in the park with my dad? I know that it’s impossible. Because it was past. I will never be 6 or 7 again and life will never look free from worries and troubles, like it was during that time. And it makes me feel weird…sad? No! I am not sad. I am happy… I am always happy.
Alright. Let’s make it brief. What am I trying to say with this article? I have no idea. Maybe I want to tell you how I feel. It’s always easier to write than to speak. Maybe I still believe that somebody might understand me. I am optimistic and I am happy to announce that. That’s why I hope that I am not the one that suffers from the “loneliness disease” and hope that the emptiness will be filled sometime…someday…in the foreseeable future. đŸ™‚