Heath Ledger did not commit suicide

Heath is not amongst us, but is in our consciousness. Heath is no longer a physical embodiment, but exists eternally now. His laugh is not audible to my ears any more, but I can hear it in my heart. in my consciousness. And that is what I remember him most for. His laugh. Deep and felt. Like he knew God was laughing with him.
The world is more troubled by his death than I expected. Like a great soul has passed amongst us and we, caught up as we all are, in the the throes of everyday life, did not even recognize it when it was there !
But in that coming to terms with our loss, why do we sensationalize his death ? why are we looking for dramatic escapes away from just a deep acceptance that ancient souls always leave us young ?
Heath Ledger did not commit suicide. Period. He was the most extraordinarily courageous man I have ever known. …….


And the most optimistic. Someone that has such capacity to spread love and laughter does not deliberately throw his own life away. And if I was the last person to speak to him, I can vouch clearly that Heath was looking forward to the next day. He was looking forwards to meeting me, he was looking forward to discuss our next film together, he was looking forward to life and laughter the next day. Of course he would talk about his daughter. He always did. But so do I about my daughter. I too am separated from her mother.
When we were filming Four Feathers, he would laugh at me every time I threatened to walk out of the film. He would joke at my trivial complaints. He would slap me on the back every time he would see my shoulders stooped. He would pull off the most amazing stunts, and we would not warn anybody about them before. It was our little schoolboy prank. His physical endurance was amazing. Heath was far more than my actor. he was also my support system.
He called me his elder brother. I am not sure. Sometimes I felt that I could lean on the innate strength that was Heath Ledger. Such a man passed amongst us, and we talk of suicide ? Of depression ? Of drug overdose ? Rather than learn from his existence.
As I come to terms with his passing, I will write more about Heath, that’s a promise.
Shekhar
\

60 Responses to “Heath Ledger did not commit suicide”

  1. Lisa says:

    Thank you for sharing your friendship through your beautiful words. Although I am nothing more than a middle-aged school teacher, I watched Heath Ledger along side of Mel Gibson in The Patriot and simply fell in love. Last Tuesday, I cried when I read of the news of his death. I so hoped it was a mistake and the beautiful soul would continue to make the films that touched so many so deeply. As a youngster I was forever changed by the suicide of a friend and know that the man I saw in interviews and playing with his dear child was not capable of such selfishness. The public will miss him but in comparison to as much so as his true friends.
    You are truly a blessed man for sharing his friendship and, again, I thank you for sharing your insight with the public.

  2. trisha says:

    looking forward to reading what you will write about him next.Thank you for letting us know Heath better.Thank u for letting me feel closer to him through your writing.

  3. Himanshu says:

    Dear Shekhar,
    I think once you are a public person nothing can be really private, including your grieving, and that does create quite a lot of pressure on the individual/family. Last year a lot of speculation was done about your private matters and lots of things would have been written, most of them untrue, and I’m sure they’d have affected you a little bit, even though you’d have been used to them by now.
    I think another major factor I feel is that we are living in a “society of discontent” where people tend to make light of almost everything. There is a saying that “We are never more discontented with others than when we are discontented with ourselves” Henri Frederic Amiel. People now have the electronic media and the blogs to say anything they like, with or without merit, without really understanding the matter, and without any value for truth or concern for others. This newfound freedom to express views has to also come with a sense of responsibility and understanding of right vs. wrong, but most people don’t have that.
    It’s been 11 years and they are still speculating the affairs of Diana and the real cause of her death. Sixty years ago on this very day we lost our ‘father of the nation’ and people are still speculating what his lasts words were. I think one has to have a certain amount of greatness (or say humility) to understand greatness, and I just hope the society moves in that direction.
    Best Regards,
    Himanshu

  4. Liebestod says:

    As most things in life, I took Heath’s death personally and egoistically. Not only a side of me doesn’t understand his death, but it is also angered by the fact that he went away now that I was starting to know him. Being a 22 year old struggling actress in London, meeting him at the set of Terry’s new film was absolutely revealing. We chatted through the London part of the production, both before and after Christmas, and even though it doesn’t constitute me as a friend, he gave me encourangement to keep following my dreams, he made me remember what I love about acting. One night he was telling me something about our english musician Nick Drake. I didn’t pay much attention then but when he died I went out and bought his album. I felt then almost instantly as if I could see the entire plan. How the life and death of a person can influence and inspire those still alive. In my life, the people and the things that I have loved the most, I hardly or never knew. I don’t know if this a sign that my life has been regretfully empty – of real or close attachments – but I think it is a sign that we are all part of a bigger mechanism in which seemingly unwoven lives are mysteriously connected. Heath and I were connected, just like you and Heath were, and just like millions of other people were connected perhaps without even knowing it. So now that he is gone a part of us has gone with him. But also a part of him has been attached on to us. And we are responsible for carrying it forward.
    ps: good luck with ur new movie in Mumbai. I wish I was part of it. or now that i think about it of any bloody movie whatsoever.

  5. dq says:

    Kabhi kabhi zindagi meh sabkuch hokar bhi kuch nahi hota…
    Kabhi kuch na hokar bhi sabkuch ho jaatha hai…
    Force of nature…na koi isseh rok paaya, na sauda kar paaya, na captivate, nor conquer!!
    Aapna khayal rakhna Shekhar…

  6. sunshine says:

    life is not about the years you live but the life there is in those years………..?
    that was so beautifully written….
    to be blessed with pure joy in a relationship and to have a friend who needs you to be happy for himself to be happy too………you must have earned some good karmas.
    in today’s times where people chase materialistic goals and exhaust themselves to the point where they have no love and laughter left in them……….it is even more special to have a friend whom you shared such a strong, pure and real connection with. you must have those qualities too……..to be able to bring out his best for you in the relationship.

  7. echo says:

    you are seperated from your daughter’s mother ?

  8. Patricia says:

    Thank you for your beautiful words and insight on Heath Ledger as a man. I am merely a fan of his but I feel I’ve been grieving his loss all week. I can’t imagine how difficult this is for those that were fortunate enough to know him and love him in life. It seemed he had so much more to give, which makes it harder to accept that his purpose on this earth was complete.
    It is heartbreaking that his daughter will grow up without her father but I’m sure his spirit will be watching over her. It is a blessing that she will have his films and interviews to watch. It will be a way for her to know her father that most children would not have. He seemed to cherish every moment of fatherhood and I’m glad that she will be able to see the joy that the mention of her brought to him.
    As you said, of course he spoke of his daughter and of course he was saddened that he was not able to be with her over the holidays. All parents should be able to understand and emphasize with this. It is rare that I have a conversation in which my daughter is not mentioned. Holidays without her are difficult but it also leaves me (and I believe most parents) looking forward to the next time you will be with your child. I’m sure that Heath was very much looking forward to that and would never contemplate abandoning her or even life itself.
    It upsets me so to see all the speculation that is surrounding his passing. I find it careless and disrespectful. I don’t understand why the world cannot just honor him and give his loved ones the privacy that they need. Why is there no reverence?
    May God bring peace and comfort to you and all those that loved him in the months to come.
    On another note, I want to compliment you on The Four Feathers. I watched it again last night and it is an incredibly beautiful work of art. You and all that worked on it did an amazing job of telling this story of the journey of self discovery. I loved the subtlety with which the actors portrayed their stories…very moving.

  9. Christina says:

    Dear Shekhar,
    I love reading what you write about Heath. This is how I think of him to be. I´m not using the past tense because it starts to feel more and more like he is still here or some part of him. I admire you for writing so honest about your friend, your brother. And I too am sure, that Heath didn´t commit suicide. He wasn´t a coward and he loved life and his family -I´m sure. I am truly amazed and touched how he is bringing people from all around the world together. (Me for example, I´m writing from Vienna (Austria).) He tought us to feel through his movies and now he is teaching us to love and to live and appreciate this unique gift we´ve been given – our lives. I´m really looking forward to learning more about your friendship with Heath and the way you see the world. All the best to you and your family! Only sensation-seeking people believe the suicide-stories. But we others know they´re untrue and we´re here to support you!
    Love Christina

  10. TG says:

    Forgive me I have never “blogged” before, or written my feelings in any public forum. For the first time, I feel it is essential.
    Although I admired Heath Ledger’s work and thought of him as a handsome, and charismatic man, he was never a part of my daily life. He was not a friend. I did not know him. I do not buy into “celebrity”, but I do love film. I love the creative process, the magic, the dreams and the escapism it sometimes provides.
    When Heath Ledger passed away I grieved tremendously, and still do. I am actually very troubled by this. I have scoured online to try and give me some peace in this strange attachment. I came across reading about you Shekhar and your relationship with him. I didn’t want any speculation as to how he passed away. I just wanted and need some insight on why a total stranger like myself feels so deeply attached and sad – for his family and friends, his daughter and ultimately for what seems to me a special man’s life that was cut way too short.
    I am a strong believer in old or ancient souls. I am just trying to understand why they pass away young. Why are their souls restless, and what would be my particular connection to this man? Whatever the connection, I hope to soon come to terms with it, and somehow let it go in a positive way.
    Much peace to you in your time of grieving.

  11. Lucy says:

    Dear Shekhar,
    Thank-you for sharing your experiences with Heath. I remember when I first heard the news, shock at first, and then real sadness, which I’m still feeling now, even though I only saw his films. Perhaps its because he was only 28,(and I feel strange using past tense) and had so much talent, that it seems so unfair.
    My heart goes out to everyone who knew him, especially his family, Michelle and Matilda, and all his friends, and of course, you and everyone who enjoyed working with him.
    I look forward to reading what else you will write about this truly amazing man.
    Lucy

  12. James Phelan says:

    Thank you, Shekhar, for sharing this with us.

  13. Liebestod says:

    Why are the media attacking this man like bloodthirsty crows? For me! for you! for us! for this blog… for the human beings with enormous capacity for cruelty and curiosity – as well as love. perhaps we ought to make Heath a favor and stop talking. no more posts! let’s go to the park and think of a movie. let the TVs blab on their own. let the papers print on every remaining tree. when all the audience has left and we are no longer curious, perhaps they will shut up.

  14. Rajesh Shetty says:

    in my last comment on Heath, i wanted you to give us a little more insight into Heath Ledger as a person. thanks for the last line of your new post “I will write more about Heath, that’s a promise.” eagerly awaiting to hear more from someone who really knew Heath Ledger as he was and not as media showed us.
    as i was watching “The Four Feathers” again yesterday, one line that Heath Ledger says in the movie “I will die , if it’s God’s will..” left me with a thought…it cannot be God’s will to take away a person looking forward for life. then how do you come in terms with someone like Heath leaving at 28…
    rajesh shetty

  15. s says:

    I hope you feel better. Take care of you. Much love.

  16. Horst Vollmann says:

    Dear Shekhar:
    If you lose a friend your memories of carefree days, of the affection you have felt for each other will always be with you. Crushing sadness will with time give way to gentle laughter, mixed with tears of gratitude to have been enriched with such friendship. Your soul, although wounded, will still be intact. But if you lose your soul mate, part of your own soul is irretrievably lost to a journey of searching it has taken into the realms of infinity.
    Instinctively, we feel the presence of an ancient soul and part of our existence wants to fly away, never to be separated from the ones who have left and have enchanted our own souls. It is true that people who are possessed of a wisdom way beyond their years rarely take their own lives, although no one can take a true sounding of a person’s innermost thoughts, fears, maybe even despair. We cannot know what was hidden behind his faint smile, behind eyes that posed more questions than they betrayed happiness. There were things he had said in his last New York Times interview that make me pensive, introspective: “I feel like I’m wasting time if I repeat myself” , “I can’t say I was proud of my work” referring to his role, in “I’m Not There”, and “I feel the same way about everything I do. The day I say ‘It’s good’ is the day I should start doing something else.” “There are many stories inside of me and a lot I want to achieve outside of one flat note.”
    Is it possible that this “something else” he could not find, and that this mastery “outside of one flat note” was not to be achieved, not in his life on earth anymore?
    The final answer will forever be lost to the stars.
    I very much feel with you.
    Stay well,
    Horst

  17. MICHELLE says:

    I TO HAD NEVER MEET HEATH, I SURE WISH I HAD. AND LIKE YOU SAID, THERE WAS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HIM, WHEN YOU LOOKED INTO HIS EYES IT DID MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WERE LOOKING INSIDE OF HIM. I ALSO AM FINDING HIS DEATH VERY HARD, AND IM NOT REALLY SURE WHY. THANKS FOR WRITING ABOUT HIM AND THE INSIGHT YOU HAVE ABOUT HIM. I BELEIVE IN HEAVEN AND I HOPE HIS THERE AT PEACE AT LAST.

  18. Tanna says:

    Dear Mr. Kapur,
    Thank you so much for sharing your love for and the friendship you shared with Heath Ledger; it means so much.
    I will have faith that he is gone because he was so beautiful that God could not bear to wait for him. He could not bear to hear that wonderful laugh, so full of life…so far away.
    We are here for a purpose and if we should all be so blessed to accomplish what we are put here for in such short time this world would be a beautiful place.
    O’er a week has passed and I still cannot believe it, and still these tears flow freely. I am also 28 years old and somehow I feel like I’ve lost a best friend.
    You said so beautifully…
    “Like a great soul has passed amongst us and we, caught up as we all are, in the the throes of everyday life, did not even recognize it when it was there!”
    On some level I think we know what we have lost in Heath and that is why the world has been so touched. We are left here in the wake of a beautiful life to pick up the pieces and better ourselves.
    Godspeed Heath Ledger. You will be missed so deeply by so many. I love you.

  19. robbie says:

    Why do people die ?…especially people in the spotlight, how can they die in the glare of the media which is such a life-giving thing ??…but then is it??…how arrogant to assume that at all..

  20. metaphorme says:

    Sometimes the strongest people have no one to turn to. They are being strong for everyone else. Poor guy. I feel sorry for his daughter. I have a daughter who is 8. I worry about what would happen to her if I died. I don’t believe in heaven, I’m a Buddhist. I feel the pain of suffering beings and it causes me great anguish. We are all suffering together. I wish we could take better care of eachother.

  21. sunshine says:

    hi shekhar,
    i read ref to your blog last year in the papers.curiousity made me log on and read the posts but not participate for a long time… until a poem of yours just brought forth a response of its own accord……and there i was. i have been sending posts in the name of ‘sunshine’, coz initially the anonimity was fun and the name…….. bright 🙂
    however since we are not strangers and live in the same building i would like to say to you………count on me as a friend when you are at beach house 🙂 take care !
    i do not send this as a post but a friendly note to you.

  22. lesley may says:

    Hi,
    I am not sure whether my last message was accepted so I feel compelled to submit another one. You messages about Heath are lovely and have made me feel not so mad about feeling so sad about his death. Its clear that he touched many peoples hearts and it must have been wonderful to know him as well as you did. I send all my love and wishes to his family, friends and in particular his daughter. I am watching Brokeback mountain marvelling at his sincerity, sensitivity and as you so rightly say wisdom beyond his years. His smile,his eyes are what I will always remember. His daughter Matilda is as Michelle says the spitting image of her father and I am so glad that she will know how loved her dad was and know that everyone that knew heath intimately will indeed give her the very best memories of him.I look forward to reading more positive things about him. Be sure that you have many people that support you in this difficult time. All my love Lesley x

  23. Taresa says:

    I am glad to see that I am not alone in my overwhelming feelings of grief and sadness for a man that I did not even know. I am 45 with two teenage daughters who first introduced me to Heath in “10 things I hate about you”. I have watched him and my two children grow up and I am hoping that my grief has something to do with their growing up and away toward their own lives. There seems to be such a sense of unfinished business with this whole thing. Such promise of what is to come, such talent that will no longer be explored. Words just seem insignificant. After all, who can explain pain that is deep in our souls. I have cried literally every day since Heath Ledger’s death. Not for me but for those who were a part of his life and for what the future held for him. Such a shame. And when do the dreams stop.

  24. sarah says:

    What beautiful thoughts about a beautiful man..i hope that when the time is right, these comments will be shared with his friends and family.

  25. Christina says:

    I just watched “A knights Tale” again after a long time. In an interview heath said that he “changed his stars” for himself. I hope he really did and despite all rumours was happy with his life. Everybody goes through difficult times to reach the better ones. And even if it should turn out that Heath was taking drugs or whatever, noone has the right to judge him. Taking drugs doesn´t make anyone a bad person. It only shows us the weakness of somebody. Heath was wonderful and maybe it all became too much for him – who knows?, but to all those people who judge Heath (including this stupid ´Westboro baptist Church´!!)- see heathledgerdied.info: If you wan to judge, start with yourselves!! otherwise keep your mouths shut and learn to respect peoples private lives! Thank you.
    Dear Shekhar,
    I love your page and keep coming back every day. I love how you write about your daughter and everything. It gives me hope. It´s really beautiful!
    Thank you. Love,
    Christina

  26. jam says:

    Thank you for writing this piece. Heath Ledger was certainly an admirable artiste and has left a vacuum in the industry.
    May God give his family and friends strength to deal with such a magnanimous loss. May God give us, the masses, good sense to respect the passing of a celebrity and let them go with dignity.

  27. Candyce says:

    Dearest Mr Kapur,
    I have spent the days since Heath Ledgers passing trying to come to grips with his departure from this world. I was a teenager when Ten things I hate about you was in theaters. I remember thinking how beautiful Heath was and I wanted to see him again. I then saw The Patriot and was relieved that he wasn’t a one hit wonder. Then I saw him again..and again..and each time I was impressed. He had such a way about him. I really feel as though his death has affected so many of us because he was an old soul. I did not know him like you knew him. I knew him as characters in films. But I could see his soul in his eyes. His kindness and kind character. I cried over this all…feeling sad for his daughter, father and mother and family.
    I lost someone so very close to me a year ago February 16th. I remember the tears and the anguish and the desperation I felt inside. This person was devine and one in a million and taught me so much about life and love. I believe that tears of the people that morn Heath Ledgers loss stem from the quality that was Heath. He was a quality person who was complex and deep. Our tears show we mourn a great person. What a legacy he leaves. Many thanks for your beautiful words. We as the public do get close to our celebrities. We see ourselves in some of the characters they play. I found comfort in him…he seemed warm and generous and full of life. Someone that valued life and would have never shamed his name.
    Thank you,
    Candyce

  28. cn says:

    Dear Shekhar,
    I too, would like to sincerely thank you for sharing your last private moments with Heath and also for your willingness to continue to share his spirit with so many of us that feel his loss so deeply. Like so many others, I felt a strong connection with Heath, and knew, without a doubt, that he was compassionate, kind, unselfish, and caring individual – someone who would give the shirt off his back for someone else in need. As someone who lost a very close loved one unnecessarily and suddenly in the past, Heath’s leaving this world has been difficult to process. As someone who also works in the health care field, I have been trying to put the pieces together of his death. I cannot help but think that Heath would want us to help others, maybe taking that extra step to help someone else in need, going that extra mile if we see something that doesn’t seem right or look right. Naturally, I feel that Heath did not get the help he needed and was left to medicate his condition on his own, which resulted in his untimely and accidental passing. He didn’t have to be strong for all of us, but that was Heath; he was trying to be. And at all other times, he was; except this time. It was his time to go. May you rest in peace dear Heath. We were so lucky to have you. My heart goes out to all of Heath’s family and especially his daughter in their time of sorrow – May his bright compassionate light continue to shine in each and everyone.

  29. Neeta says:

    My heartfelt condolences to everyone close to Heath for their loss. Though he will be greatly missed, I hope we all have souls that don’t die and wherever he is, Heath continues to evolve in more exceptional ways.

  30. Lonely Traveller says:

    Dear Shekharji,
    i have recently started knowing Heather, thats through you… i can imagine what a great soul you had as a friend and a support system. Please do let us know more about him, his laughter and his courage…
    TC
    Lonely Traveller

  31. i remember those who are gone/away who were/are close to me.. and at times scribble on paper
    here’s something i wrote
    “The rim of the cup holds a droplet
    The tea is hot and steaming
    A drop of lemon gives it the tang
    The newspaper with wretched faces
    on itself lies on the table
    Rain drops play on the glass window
    Merging into one another
    And in the misty frame of the glass
    I see you smile…. ”
    Take care Shekharji,
    Lonely Traveller

  32. Eadaoin says:

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
    I was very upset about Heaths passing. I knew too that it could’ve never been suicide. He would be incapable of it.
    I really look forward to hearing about more of your thoughts and experiences with Heath, please share them with us who didnt know him as well. It makes me smile hearing about him.
    Thank you.

  33. Saudamini says:

    Hello Shekhar, your blog makes me write about death of one of my friends. It was also a shock to me, a person very young, healthy and full of life, just left the world one day. This is what i wrote that day….
    On an usual Monday morning I come to office and see a ping from a friend of mine saying ‘Hi’ with a smiley, it’s not from today, it’s two days old. It makes me very sad. Sad because I was not there to reply. Sadder as I can never reply now.
    Why? Is the question. And the answer is that he is not going to be at the other end ever to see my reply. He is gone, he has left, left the world. This brings me to a thought that, the thing we take for granted most in life has no guaranty. And that thing is life it self. We all have hopes, aspirations, plans but we don’t have any idea about how much time we have left for fulfilling them. He must have had all of them but his time got over soon rather too soon.
    Call it ‘Time’ or ‘Death’ the word we all are afraid of, is always around us, it makes us feel it’s presence time and time again and eventually it gets to all of us. It got to him yesterday. And made it’s presence felt once again.

  34. Christina says:

    Yesterday i went to my friend´s concert. I was in a hurry to get there and hurred onto the crosswalk, when suddenly i heard a very loud car. I told myself it didn´t mean anything. the city is always very loud, but in the last split of a second i turned my head and a car shot by, just where i would´ve walked. the driver couldn´t have seen me for whatever reason. he didn´t stop although the lights were green for me. i have no idea what happened there. I´m just really glad and thankful i survived it! There are many things happening right now that make me think a lot about life and death. it makes me wonder why some of us survive áccidents´and others don´t.
    my brother in law was working in the woods when a tree fell onto him. it squashed his head and broke him several bones and his nose. he spent several days in hospital and couldn´t move his arms. he´s still got big scars and sutures, but he survived it!
    my best friend got knocked down by a car a few months ago. he spent 3 weeks in artificial coma, had a broken leg and they had to take out a piece of his skullcap which he won´t get back until the end of march. he had to undergo physiotherapy and partly depressions, but now he´s back home. and he´s alive!!
    there´s at least one positive effect of it all: his that his parents now accept his boyfriend, who kept visiting him every day of those terrible months!
    I believe that such things happen for a purpose, at least i try. it´s just so hard to imagine.
    I like to believe that everyone choses their own time of death, i´m just not sure about it. at times when i doubt that we can decide such important things for ourselves, it makes me feel insecure and stressed and unhappy.
    Dear Shekar, how do you think about life and death? why are there even two words for them? why do we say one is the opposite of the other? i don´t think it really is coz you can´t devide the two.
    It seems like you feel very secure and at peace with life. If so, how did you get to this state of mind?
    Awaiting your responses
    Love, Christina

  35. Christina says:

    Thank you Shekhar! it´s beautiful yet incredibly sad. I relate to it very much. Sometimes i just don´t know how to bare it all. I mean, why do we put ourselves through all this pain and suffering. I wouldn´t tell this everyone, but at times i think that it´s just the fear of ´death´, of the unknown, that keeps me here.
    Love Christina

  36. Sheri says:

    Dear Shekhar –
    It is a month and two days since he has past. This is the night of the Academy Awards and he is still very much on my mind. I somehow got linked to your site partly because of my discovery of your movie The Four Feathers which I will come back to. I really resonate with the sentiments expressed by TG in post number 10. I too, an ordinary American middle-aged business woman, have been dumbfounded by how affected I have been by Heath Ledger’s passing. I’m a very practical person, yes with a love of movies, but I’m not at an impressionable age and not prone to movie start infatuation or worship.
    So it has been very mysterious and strange to me why I have been so impacted, indeed, actually experiencing grief – my heart, as thousands of others, goes out to his family and loved ones. Every night I have prayed for his soul’s safe journey. To try and understand the why of this grief over a person I have never known, I have gone and watched his movies. I had seen A Knight’s Tale, The Patriot, Monsters Ball and Brokeback Mountain and believed him to be one of the few young actors who was truly on the path to acting greatness. But, I am principally writing this to you to tell you that The Four Feathers was a revelation. I believe it to be my now favorite Ledger movie (and now I have seen all of them except the ones not yet released). It is not a perfect movie (few are) but I think it is an incredibly under valued movie maybe partly due to when it was released post 9/11. I know this might be blasphemy to some but I like this movie more than Lawrence of Arabia. The actors were wonderful. Besides Heath in the starring role — Wes Bentley and the wonderful Djimon Hounsou. After seeing all of Heath Ledger’s roles, what stays in my mind is the pivotal scene in the desert. The first time I saw this film I broke down and cried after this scene. I watched the entire film again a couple of days ago. Watching this scene again, I realized that Ledger was not becoming great, he was great and I am thankful his body of work exists. This scene goes way beyond the organic basic need to survive against all odds to a place that is born from total physical and spiritual anguish. The roar that Heath brings up from somewhere deep, deep down to conquer his assailant is raw primal power and expresses a language of soul that can not be adequately articulated.
    Shekhar, you mentioned that you will write more about Heath and I hope you do. I want to read more about Heath not for celebrity sensationalism but to continue to celebrate the greatness of the actor and to celebrate his body of work. So tonight, in the spirit of the movies and awards, I will raise a glass to heaven to Heath and also to you Shekhar and give my own little award to The Four Feathers.
    Thank you, Sheri.

  37. susan says:

    Dear Shekhar,
    I read and sincerely appreciated an interview with you reflecting on Heath that was titled ‘Farewell My Brother’ and somehow found my way to here this evening. In the many many sharings all over the internet and here, I hear much, understandably, expressed about the sense of loss in Heath leaving this life as soon as he did. I hear much also of how great he was as an actor, again understandably- of sadness at not seeing what he might have done, if still here- and of course of his ineffable beauty and soul which were transparent to the world with just one glimpse of his face, without ever witnessing his acting.
    The reach of his heart has become so vast and luminous in his passing, an infinite agency distilling itself, drifting in soft blown tendrils; in seemingly dying, still relentlessly giving. Attaching ourselves to his persona is an incomplete understanding- his grace and sensitivity, unabiding spontaneity, pure dancing laughing spirit, infused with unconditional compassion-has completed it’s delivery, annointing our lives as he journeys on.
    I, for one, can only feel blessed in the receiving, asking not ‘what more there could have been’ but how wonderful that he was ever here, and is still, differently.
    We can conjecture into the sunsets as to what was trully constellating in Heath’s consciousness as his exquisite soul made leave. Only Heath, in his awareness of the spectrum of his whole being could ever fully know- one privacy at least, of his, that can never be violated. We are all part of the one heart, so in a sense, no-one arrives and no-one ever leaves, for all that we often fret at the loss of the tangible.
    To those who were so fully blessed to know him-what an ache in the absence of such shining fullness….and one that hones the soul in deep and quiet ways.
    love*love*love to to all in whose hearts sorrow is singing-and thanks beyond all thanks to Heath for the field of pure tenderness and energy, so amply shared.

  38. Tara says:

    It is such a relief to find a space in which Heath’s special soul is being cherished and remembered with the greatest of respect and reverence.I am only twenty one but in the past year I feel as though my true self has gradually been awakened and is becoming aware of a purpose in this cruel lesson that is life.Only a year ago I lost a dear friend but at the end of grief I discovered that these beautiful souls don’t just come into our lives by accident.They have as friends in this life taught us great lessons and continue to do so in their passing.We will meet again.
    “Those we love never die, they continue to walk & talk with us.”
    Thank you Shekhar for sharing your grief in such a positive way.I think you too are a profoundly wise soul with much to teach! Much love…x

  39. susan says:

    Strands of reflection.. Although his ‘body’ is long gone from this earth, so often now, I imagine his head in my lap, I stroke his forehead, in some ways, I suppose, symbolically consoling. Somehow, although this may sound very odd, I feel that how we hold each other in our consciousness, continues the completion of our healing, on earth or not.
    He was strong, yes immensely strong, suffused with extraordinary energy, unbridled reflection and compassion. And he was also vulnerable, a note that sang loud in the features of his passing. A note that belongs somewhere in all of us.
    Along with all the immensity of what he shared in life, and on screen-what calls to me most is the awakening to the full tenderness of one being’s heart. I am reminded to carry this awakening in my sense of everyone.
    Heath, for me becomes synonymous with a ‘spectrum of soul’ which somehow found a way to mediate so far and wide and deep, to meet kindred, less public, sensitivities. This was the fullness of his art. Love to you, Heath, and to everyone in your becoming- and thank you, Shekhar for this meeting place.

  40. Katie says:

    I just found out today Heath died. Where have I been? I don’t watch much news or t.v. I’m really sad that he died. My fave movie he played in was 10 things I hate about you! My fave part of the movie was when he sang that song to that girl.
    We will miss you Heath. Your in our hearts forever xoxo

  41. Junko Mitani says:

    Thank you for this fantastic post.
    You have no idea how much better I feel, now that I have read it. So many people, too many people, injure him, and his legacy with truly vile, vicious attacks with words and actions.
    People marched in protest at his funeral, for heaven’s sake! What were those people thinking?! Have they no decency or common sense?! A bible, while it is undoubtedly the most influencial book ever to be printed, is just a book.
    There were cultures, civilizations that have preceded the birth of Jesus Christ. To dismiss their existance or beliefs by forcing their belief over everything else in such a way is testament to these people’s ignorance. These people make me want to scream: GROW UP!!
    Besides, when are these people going to learn that sexual orientations are not for personal choice, but was something people are born with? There are scientific evidence to this. Also, when are these people going to accept the simple truth that Heath Andrew Ledger was, for his entire life, a heterosexual man?? And that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality in this modern world, because we already have way too many people than we have the ability to care for.
    …As for the accusation that Heath Ledger just called it quits (on life itself) by snorting cocaine and shooting narcotics up into his arms, these people have apparently not seen his bare arms. Neither the police, the medical examiner, nor the DEA, have reported any trace of illegal substance in his body. Sure, the narcotics could leave his system in 24 hours, but repeated abuse of needles do leave puncture scars on the arm. …And there wasn’t any. Even after seeing the alledged drug party video, it wasn not Ledger that was ‘snorting line after line’ of cocaine. It was someone who was kneeling in front of Ledger.
    Why do people do this to themselves? Do they think that hurting the legacy of Heath Ledger would benefit them, somehow? All they are doing is hurting themselves by hurting an innocent man. Why can’t they see something that is so very simple to see?
    People have been jealous of cerebrities, for they possess something they have never had and will most likely never have no matter how they try. …I guess that, having someone with such a good and pure soul as Heath Andrew Ledger walking among us commoners had been unbearable for some people. They wanted to steal his spark, the wisdom and strength he so freely possessed inside. And when they realized that such things cannot be stolen, they decided to destroy it. …Sadly, it looks like they succeeded.
    And I will forever regret the fact that I did not realize this battle he was waging, and losing, because I, like millions of his allies near and far, did not hear him call for help. We did not hear his horn, calling us to come to his aid. …Had he been calling for help? …I guess I will never know.

  42. susan says:

    Somehow, still, to my surprise, I wake most mornings with ‘heath’ on my mind. If I had met him, conversed with him- I would be less surprise; sometimes quite why this lingers so long in my soul intrigues me- at others I simply accept that souls mediate themselves far beyond personal meeting.
    I mourn in the feeling that, luminous and loving to so many, he veiled the truth of his inner struggles, at least seemingly. Is it feeble that I still stroke his brow, metaphorically? It is as it is, a lament still singing itself until the lament is done. I spent a day editing for a friend recently- and when I was done she asked me to make an entry in her ‘spiritual book’. Out of the blue, unbidden, came an image of heath’s face integrated in landscape, and words painted in gold ‘ You are everywhere, spun from stars, your heart a lake of love.’

  43. susan says:

    Somehow, still, to my surprise, I wake most mornings with ‘heath’ on my mind. If I had met him, conversed with him- I would be less surprise; sometimes quite why this lingers so long in my soul intrigues me- at others I simply accept that souls mediate themselves far beyond personal meeting.
    I mourn in the feeling that, luminous and loving to so many, he veiled the truth of his inner struggles, at least seemingly. Is it feeble that I still stroke his brow, metaphorically? It is as it is, a lament still singing itself until the lament is done. I spent a day editing for a friend recently- and when I was done she asked me to make an entry in her ‘spiritual book’. Out of the blue, unbidden, came an image of heath’s face integrated in landscape, and words painted in gold ‘ You are everywhere, spun from stars, your heart a lake of love.’

  44. Tom says:

    Its been close to 2 months after Heath’s death,and I still wake up sad and thinking about him. I never met him, I wanted to. His performance in Brokeback Mountain changes how I look at myself, look at love and look at the art of acting itself. I just wanted to thank him, but now I can’t and I think thats why I feel this sence of loss over someone I didn’t even know. Heath you will be missed and loved by many, I just wished I could have stopped your pain and demons.

  45. susan says:

    sometimes a wish, no matter how huge, cannot produce a miracle…..but we still wish it, so, for all my philosphical understanding, I so so so so wish, dear Heath, your voice, your laughing heart and loving being was still here.

  46. Alexa says:

    I stumbled upon your blog through a Heath Ledger fansite, and I am so glad I did. As a fan of Heath’s, I have been completely overtaken by his death, and it has consumed me more than I would have imagined. There was something about him that was truly special, and for those of us who feel the loss, I feel like we are mourning for ourselves as well as he. His death has made me revisit the themes of life and death, and contemplate their meaning more intensely than before. It comforts me to read your words, to know that he was in good spirits the night before he died. Thank you, and please continue to write more about Heath.

  47. bb says:

    Still thinking of him daily also…it’s always there, in the quiet moments.
    Susan, I have wanted to reach out to you ever since I read your post on 2/26. My mother and I received the same understanding of his passing as you expressed in your post. Thank you so very much for your post. It is incredible to have the same message confirmed by a total stranger and in some way it gave me greater peace.
    As you find yourself stroking his brow, I find myself sending great portions of love to him and strength to Michelle. My brain does not comprehend this in the least and I struggle with it somtimes but ultimately it just is. I trust in the spirit and believe that somehow it is serving a purpose.

  48. Lori says:

    Dear Shekhar,
    My condolences to you on the loss of your “brother”, because while spirits live on, we cannot touch them, have that reaffirming physical contact that we are so fortunate to have in life. Your postings, as a person who actually knew and worked with Heath, make me feel honored to even be making contact, because I, like so many others, feel an inexplicable sense of loss that I don’t understand. He was a great actor whose work I enjoyed, but I was hardly his biggest fan or anything. Yet I feel there is some reason this has hit me like a blow to the chest; something I can learn from this,from him, though it has yet to reveal itself to me. I look forward to reading any future postings you create regarding this multifaceted human being, as well as those about other topics. Peace and light.

  49. Alexa says:

    Dear Shekhar,
    Heath’s birthday just passed and my day was consumed with thoughts of him. His essence has been burned into my soul. Every night since he died, I say a prayer for him before I go to sleep, and each morning I wake with his image before my eyes. Although as a fan, I have always loved him since the beginning of his career, for a reason which is inexplicable, his loss has consumed me beyond what I would normally expect. While I sense there is a deeper purpose behind this, I feel like the answer is buried too deep for me to uncover…

  50. What can I add? Everyone here is honing in on
    on the true love, and the love we have for our friends,and family,and lovers, and the children,
    who only, are love. That we could live forever, happily and full of life_would that not be our wish.
    Here now is the grief and holding up of the life of one great actor and person of this age, Heath Ledger. I know that because of the way I feel and because what I have read here-by all, corroborates, exactly how I feel. You are all beautiful,man. I am feeling blessed to just have passage and a view of the love here. I am feeling you’all. Deeply.
    I lost a chunk of my post, but I will go on. I thank Shekhar for receiving(accepting) my other contributions. I could not pass over the opportunity to be here in this room of honor for Heath and his life, and his beloved friend and collaborator’s post and the comments. I found myself moved and near tears at times.
    We have this great ability to connect with
    artists and actors and musicians and teachers,
    and directors, too…for they have created in
    our hearts_ beauty and visions of loving concert, even if afflicted and angry in there acts, they have shown their heart and soul and we have received the depth of field, that is in play.
    All things beautiful are not perfect,and we can feel, when there is struggle and we are compassionate about our ways of sharing our
    faith. But constantly, we send and receive
    love, hope or fear. there are of course other emotions and native intelligence, but most assuredly there is our action to contain our
    own struggle. Best not to judge another, but to come supporting the lifting of their life, with our own faith and practice of love.
    I love you all.’Cause I am just a guy, south Of Seattle, living in this great wide wonderful world, grateful, that this is here for us to be together in this way.
    Best Regards, Ulric Rainard

Leave a Reply