“Hey ‘who’ ?” I insisted.
Rob is my Big Data Alias. Spawned from Octopi. Or Big O. The latest, most comprehensive intuitive Big Data Analytical tool ever.
Why Octopi ? Because She spawned infinite amount of tentacles .. as She got into every nook and corner of our Digital existence. And the tentacle that got inside of me, I call Rob.
I tried to get Rob to call me Shekhar. Thats my name. Really.
“Shekhar” I said, “My name is Shekhar”
Rob instantly analyzed all the ‘Shekhars’ that may have existed in the last 100 years, with every conceivable spelling, and said it was not specific enough. Too many variables.
” So what would you like to call me ?” I insisted.
“From what context ?” Asked Rob.
“From the context that I am an Individual, Rob . You know . I am Me .. I ?”
“No, you were and Individual. Before I was born.”
Jesus ! He does not get it , does He ?
“Then what am I” I ask Rob.
” You are a tendency” Said Rob.
Oh Great. Am I losing this argument ? Try harder, Shekhar, try harder.
” I am a tendency ? Sure. That makes me unpredictable, and therefore I am Human, And therefore an Individual. Correct ?”
” Incorrect. You were unpredictable. Not anymore. I took care of that. You have no more problems on that account”.
The waitress has brought the check. Thats it. Switch off your phone. Kill Rob. No smart device. No Rob.
The Waitress takes the check. But comes back. Looks at me accusingly.
‘Your card has been rejected, Sir”
Everyone looks at me with that look. That ‘Poor Guy’ treatment.
“Why ? Let me call my Bank. I will fix it”
“Not your Bank, Sir. Your Big Data Alias rejected your card”.
Rob. I am going to kill you. Back to my smart phone. Hey Rob.
“Why did you reject my card , Rob ?”
“Because you did not order any meat”
“Rob, I decided to be vegetarian. So I did not order meat, OK ?” Now my voice is rising. People are staring.
” You have no tendency to be vegetarian. Sorry. You have to order meat”
“I WANT TO BE VEGETARIAN”
The security guards are walking towards me. This is embarrassing. The waitress is complaining to them. For what ? Harassment ? Oh My God !
I tone down my voice.
“Please Rob. Please. I want to be vegetarian. Please ask Big O ?”
A moment of silence. Phew. Rob has compassion. I like him, really. He is taking my request to his Boss. I love you Rob !
Back came the response in seconds.
“Sorry. Too many vegetarians in your vicinity. Bad for the Meat Packing Industry. Request denied”.